okay literally no one else is going to care about this but i need to do this for myself
so i had a but of a breakdown today over my weight and general appearance. this used to be a lot more common for me but since high school idk my breakdowns have been more financially/educationally based.
but for some reason this break i’ve been struggling a lot with comparing myself to my sister and just feeling awful about myself. it didn’t help when i realized on christmas day that i was officially the “fat one” out of all of my cousins, or that my little sister got a boyfriend before i did. i’ve been ignoring how unhappy i am with my body for so long in favor of worrying about other things that it just hit me really really badly today. i spent several hours locked in my room staring at myself in the mirror, pinching and poking my curves just to make myself feel bad. i thought about exercising. i thought about dieting. and then i thought about starving myself, because dieting and exercise wasn’t fast enough.
and this is really not how i want to start the new year. there is nothing wrong with my body. i am no less and no more than my sister just because I carry extra pounds and she has the better wardrobe. my parents don’t hate me and buy me size large clothes to bring on mental breakdowns. my friends don’t just put up with my anxieties because they feel bad for me. i am a 5’8” woman with curves and wide shoulders, hips and a belly and thighs that jiggle. i have a personality that is not defined by my size or physical appearance. i am not comfortable with everything about me but i have the power to change the things i don’t like in healthy, productive manners.
making this one post isn’t going to fix all of my problems like magic. i have serious issues that need to be confronted, but i like to think this is the first step. i know there will be more breakdowns in the upcoming year, not all of them appearance-based, but i’ll get through them. part of that is because i have so many amazing people in my life to help me, many of whom are on this website. there’s 472 of you following this blog right now. that’s 472 people who liked something about me. and i like those numbers. (:
i hope anyone reading this had a great day, and that your 2013 will be a great one. x